Hi my dear friend… this week’s topic is simply understanding the core/ root cause of our anxieties, what triggers that core and how do we climb this mountain. As simple as it sounds this topic has left me a bit heavy handed, so in an attempt to lessen the load, this week’s topic will be done across the span of 3 days, in which each day will focus on one of those aspects. I hope these short breaks in between will provide you will necessary time for self-evaluation, self-compassion and of course self-love. I aim to keep each post as short as possible and I do hope you enjoy this miniseries within a series.
To briefly enlighten you about the medical aspect of anxiety; our body runs on two types of nervous systems that controls our bodily functions. The parasympathetic nervous system controls our organ functions such as breathing, blinking, blood pumping and so on… the sympathetic nervous system changes those bodily functions to help us cope with a sudden stress factor. Let me explain this in a short scenario: your walking at the lake and an aggressive goose (as they always are) tries to peck at you; Either you choose to stand and let it happen, fight back or, like me, take flight and run away. Our means of deciding what to do in this scenario is controlled by the sympathetic nervous system. As an anxious person, mentally you form speculations around things that you are worried about. Your mental channels therefore create fears that are not always present in your day. That fear is so present and real in the mind that the body begins to think it’s in a state of threat. We then live in that state of stress, hence why an anxious person presents those same bodily reactions of being in danger: sweaty hands, over thinking the situation, racing heart, dehydration and so on. Now that we understand how anxiety is formed in our brains, we need to peel back to layers to understand which thoughts create fear folders in our brain.
The first core or root cause is a personal one to me as its focus is around how you view yourself – Self-Esteem and your level of self-confidence. It’s so easy to be confident, courageous, and daring in your outwardly appearance but many a confident person lacks self confidence at the core of their being. Do you believe in who you are as a person and your own innate abilities? I had to take time focusing inwardly and asking myself “how do I actually feel about Charndré” compared to what I was projecting to the world. What I found, was that at the soul of my being had no trust in who I was as a person, the foundations were weak and shaky and If your core foundation about the way that you think and speak about yourself is off, of course anxiety will be present as you will always question “Am I enough?”
You will love someone and question if your love is enough. You will work in your dream job, but you will question if that work is enough. You will have a family, but you will question if you’re doing enough for them. The answer is that you are most likely doing great things, but you don’t believe it because your core is not strengthened by the justifications of who you are as a human. If this Is the root cause of your anxiety, I encourage you to look inwardly and spend time in the box. The way you speak to yourself is so important so spend time in front of the mirror talking words of power and kindness into your being, reaffirm the way you feel about you and once you become sure of that human, no external views will be able to cause anxiety in your being.
The second core or root issue that we should focus on is perfectionism. Perfectionism believe it or not, causes anxiety to turn on its head. The constant desire to do things right and perfect all the time sets an unnecessary precedent that is almost impossible to achieve all the time. When we realize that standard is impossible to reach, we begin to start doubting ourselves and worrying if the work we are putting out is good enough. From that we start creating channels in our brain that forms messages how around fear, because we always want your work to be top notch. It is also how the brain starts to become fearful of task completions, which in turn can lead to the desire to procrastinate. Essentially, we withdraw our engagement from the task (or procrastinate) because we fear the output – will the work be perfect by my standard?
We become so hard on ourselves and force ourselves to work to the bone in order to ensure everything is perfect. The truth is perfection does not exist, something that is deemed perfect to me might be far from perfect to someone else, therefore anything we do will not seem enough if we don’t believe in the work we can do and our ability to do so. If your core is based around perfectionism the best advice, I can offer is drop that notion of wanting to create perfect world. Yes wanting to put your best work forward is a good trait but it doesnt have to infiltrate your life. Remember God has given you a talent which belongs to you solely, if you focus on doing the best you are able to do, in the body your in and with a positive mindset that in itself is enough. Once you make peace with the fact that your work is perfection its own right because of that Special God given talent, you will stop trying to reach that unnecessary standard.
The last core or root issue deals with wanting to control the outcome. Children who have experienced any form of neglect, abandonment or constant change (I’ve been told) grow up having a deep desire to create an outcome that will not put you back into that space and emotional trauma. They try everything with our might to control all aspects of their life to the point where we try a control all interactions. As mentioned in post 1; you cannot control everything all the time, but we definitely do try. The inability to control all outcomes causes anxiety. My advice is to focus on the core of your being and ask yourself if you fear abandonment, do you fear neglect, not only as a child but after a break up or a family feud or even after leaving a job. Anytime we experience a major detachment your body tries to adjust itself to protect you from going through that form of trauma again, which can explain the anxiety around similar situations. This can be seen in the form of relationship anxiety after a nasty breakup. If you are at present in anxious space, imagine what added fear does to that equation. If so, you need to affirm yourself about those people who have stayed and those who are for you. Often, we look at all those things we lost, we forget to look up and see all those things that have stayed. Affirm the core of you that even when you had no one around to save you, you had yourself and that person kept you going till this point. Go back to her, thank her for walking through hell and surviving.
For today, a short exercise: write a gratitude note to yourself about qualities which you appreciate in yourself. Perhaps you would like to show gratitude to your hardworking brain or hands that can make beautiful things? Continue to reaffirm your true self and those anxieties will begin to fall away.
See you on Wednesday for Part 2 of this miniseries. Light and love to you till then Charndré♡
Hi my dear friend I’m so happy to have you back for yet another week of self Care and development. Before we commense, have you tried some justifications in your day and did you write up a love/Gratitude note to yourself? If you did so please comment or PM to let me know how to went and if it happened to make a small difference in your day 😊
To touch briefly on the topic of my previous post (for those who are only joining in today) the main concept which I paid mind to was what we are able to control. If you recall, I had mentioned that the only true thing which you have control over is: “Yourself and how you react.” Therefore, if this is your true means of control why not focus your attention to the part of your body that controls the whole system: The lungs. Two big tree shaped organs waiting to produce your currency.
I’m sure at this point you’re wondering why I have chosen to talk about breath work as the topic of choice for today and how can it relates to anxiety. Truth be told, when you’re living through anxiety, each breath is your currency it is what you use to pay God to help you control that messy state of mind, and if this be true, imagine how many other things you will be able to afford in this lifetime if you simply decided to expand your currency by breathing more often. During my most anxious days, and through the worst parts of a panic attack, the only thing that kept me a float was the constant thought to “just breathe”. However it didnt begin this way; at the peak of an panic attack, your thoughts are swarming like locusts in your brain, your heart is racing at 120km/h and you have no means of expressing what is truly happening to you. So naturally you go to the hospital and the lovely nurse administers a sedative drug to calm you down and to help you to regroup.
If any of you have dabbled in the art of chronic anxiety and depression medications you would know for certain that those medications are the worst by far. Dawn of the walking dead doesnt come close in comparison to an anxious person on anxiety meds. For me, it felt like someone unplugs the thought processing cable out of my brain, and the power cable out of my body. I become a body. Not a human. Not a being. Just a body – lifeless. Unable to get back to point zero and that’s when I decided a change must occur, how do I sedate my own body? Years of yoga practice reins true during this time as I realised breathing was one of the sure ways to sedate my anxious thoughts and that in itself is the reason why I have decided to discuss 6 breathing techniques which I live by in order to help ease my anxiety.
My dad was my 1st teacher as He lives by Three philosophies of breathing. He has repeated these Three quotes over a 1000 times in my lifetime, so to honour that, I begin with the 3 breath work techniques which he instilled into my life while growing up.
The first:“Are you breathing deeply?” The main goal of this question was to ensure that my sister and I were breathing from our lungs and not our chest. He would make us do the tummy check at the very least, once a day because he believed that Athletes need a lot of oxygen in order to keep them going.
Protip1: To do a tummy check simply place one hand on your chest and one on your tummy then breath in. If your chest hand rises you’re breathing into your chest but if your tummy hand rises then you know for sure that you’re lungs are filling up with cosmic deliciousness.
What I’ve learned from this little task is that our bodies require a lot of GOOD oxygen in order for us to be women of the year, and more so an anxious person requires double that amount of oxygen to help calm them down during a panic attack. With each breath we are afforded the opportunity to breathe in possibility and growth; with each exhale we are afforded the opportunity to let go of the hurt, pain and anxieties that we feel on a daily basis. Therefore, take the Time to breathe deeply – Not once, twice or during meditation but whenever the thought catches you. Keep breathing deeply and Think of yourself as the athlete of your own life, running your own personal race the best you can. One thing that I know for certain is that an athlete will always take care of their body and do you think that an athlete would let her body starve off oxgyen- Never. So, don’t let your body starve. Ask yourself the question: “Am I breathing deeply today?”
The second: “Catch your breath quickly…” I was a trained Karate fighter before I turned 14. My dad ensured that I was always fighting ready never to be caught unfit or unprepared. Truly speaking you cannot be 100% prepared 100% of the time and Unlike profession fighters I hardly knew the opponent’s, I only knew to train the best I could, at my peak. I did get caught off guard. I was beaten and from that we slowly had to adapt. My father developed a new quote: “Catch your breath quickly, don’t let your enemies catch you off guard”
Your enemy does not have to be a human in flesh and blood as a daily enemy can take the form of remunerating thoughts, anxious feelings or even depression. Your enemy can be anyone, thought or emotion that tries to overpower your will and ability. When you have learned to identified your triggers (which we will touch on next week) you will become aware of when the onset of a panic attack is rising, and from that its imperative that we learn how to quickly regain control of your body before panic erupts. If we make the time and to catch our breath before the onset of anxiety takes over, would anxious thoughts be able to flow into your mental space so easily? Moreover, If you have recovered from the stresses of yesterday by breathing renewed strength into your body, would the anxieties of tomorrow be able to penetrate your mind? I think it that may be difficult to do so. Breathing is your currency, but more so breathing is your armour, as it can strengthen your body in order to respond effectivity to the terrors of the mind. Don’t allow yourself to get winded by life or by the reactions of others. Catch your breath quickly when you are busy and overworked so that you wont get easily triggered by those enemies. Allow yourself to be ready and waiting so that you can conquer the challenges of your life.
The third: “Good posture means better breathing” To be frank this topic has very little to do with breathing that aids ones anxieties, but it definitely does play an important role in one being able to control that breath. Posture has been a talked about topic for many centuries on how it can aid better breathing, luckily for me, My dad had bought into that very concept very early in my life as he believed that posture was a most important virtue for a woman. Therefore he focused all his energy into ensuring that I always sat up straight, engaged my core and held my head up high – as Good posture is important for good breathing.
In yoga they tell you that when we sit up straight, you are able to fill more of our lung capacity in comparison to sitting hunched over. Therefore, if you would like to be the athlete of your life story you need to be able to fill up your lungs with the maximum amount of oxygen to feed your hardworking muscles and organs. And if this be true then you have to walk tall, engage your core and don’t drop your head. Keep the crown held high and remember that you too are an ethereal Goddess, so walk and live in that essence as you breathe life into the path which you are destined to walk daily.
Protip2: Is a tip that was given to me by Amalia months ago in my 1st Reiki session with her: Go outside in the morning and take 3 good, full and deep breaths. Cold air, warm air it matters not, as long as its fresh air to start your day.
Protip3: Feng 风 (means wind) Shui水 (means water). Feng shui 风水 in Chinese culture is focused on the way wind and water flows through the house. While living in China I was taught that in the morning you should open the windows and doors, remove anything in the line of air. Allow fresh air, thoughts and energy to fill your space. Just by simply clearing the energy of your area and by taking fresh aired deep breaths we create movement, a natural cleaning process of the mind and body, as well as in the household.
My dad played a vital role in teaching me the basics of breathing for that more than grateful to have had a wonderful teacher growing up. However, overtime we do grow up and form our own philosophies, join the rat race of life and forget how to breathe. Luckily for me, that tale was short lived as I met a wonderful and fearless friend: Danielle. Why fearless you may ask? She has been to every crazy yoga class with me to date and it has not all been pleasant. We have done all kinds of yoga styles by simply signing up online as it sounds “Quite cool.” Poor Dee has given me the face of anger mid yoga class in an attempt to telepathically convey her deep dislike for me signing her up to that class. I laugh now thinking about it.
In yoga, you use the term “pranayama” which simply means “The breath of life” in this we mindfully give life to each pose by breathing deeply within every movement, twist and bend. By attending all those yoga classes with me, Dee helped me to breathe life into the foundations which my dad had instilled in me as a kid and from this, yoga took those basic concepts and gave me the opportunity to explore breath in all kinds of new and amazing ways. This brings me to the 3 types of yoga inspired breathing which I used to help calm my thoughts. Please note: I will briefly go through 3 of my favourite yoga breathing techniques to use during yoga and before mediation. If you would like more information about these techniques or would like to find out about some of the other techniques which I have learned through yoga, please don’t hesitate to send me an email, message or comment blow.
The fourth: “Every breath is a movement” Dee and I loved to do Monday night Ashtanga classes, it became our thing prior to lock down. Ashtanga yoga has kicked our butts more nights then most but faithfully the instructor told us that if you make each breath a movement you will flow with the rhythm of body. You wont labour through the routine but flow like water, from one pose to the next. Imagine how wonderful our lives would flow if we allow time to breathe before the next movement, next choice or next decision. Imagine breathing positive thoughts before engaging in conversation or business meeting, imagine breathing as your source of energy? A true source of your power. If you can then try focus on this in your yoga practise today.
The fifth: “Breath of fire” My absolute favourite breathing technique! I Thank the Guru who imparted this wisdom in to breathing practises. Amalia says that our stomachs are the engine of our body as it holds a strong energy force. When we do breath of fire we focus our attention onto that area – we start the engine. I’m sure you can google a hundred different benefits for doing this kind of breath work but the one that stands out to me, was what our Kundalini instructor told us, he said: “Breath of Fire burns away anything that doesn’t serve the body” I love that. And internal combustion system that not only powers you but burns away that which no longer serves you.
To begin breath of fire I always take on a half lotus pose, you are more than welcome to take on full lotus or even easy pose. I place my hands palm facing up and resting on my thighs Breath of fire consists of short, powerful breaths over several minutes but if you are new to it, I suggest only 30 seconds with an short break before repeating it for a second time. Before I begin BOF I would take about 2-3 deep breaths to ensure that my lungs are actively working and begin with a short exhale and then quick inhalations followed by quick exhalations (similar to if you ran 100m sprints and now your breath is quick). After your intervals remember to slow your breath back down by doing deep breathing again. You will start to feel the fire inside as your body warms up, you may feel little light headed too. If you do begin feel light headed stop immediately and take a few deep, slow breaths as your body may not used to coping with the rush of oxygen.This kind of breath work can serve to remind us that yes, self love and rest is important, so too is being hard working and persevering to achieve your dreams. Use this breath as a reminder that you are a powerful human within your own right.
The sixth: “Box breath” The final breathing technique for today and thank you staying tuned till this point. Box breath is special to me as I began my yoga journey with the most inspirational Yogi, 70+ In age but more flexible than half the class combined. “Box Breath” has supported me many a time, during each anxious moment be in silence or eruptions, and I found that it Is the most effective way to calm my mind and body down during attacks. A box is a object with equal sides, in height, depth and width. Box breath replicates that idea by holding each inhalation and exhalation to the count of 5. Begin In half lotus with an out breath, once your lungs are empty count to 5 then inhale to the count of 5. Hold your breath in for the count of 5 and then exhale to the count of 5. Repeat 5 times.
This kind of breathing technique, and the last exercise for today is that to remember to find your centre – to climb back into the box that is you. Focus your energy inwardly and spend time with your aches, pains and stresses. Spend time developing those small passions, talents and find a home within your body. So many people live extrincically wanting to be like “This person” or like “That person” more often than not these expectations are the ones scratching at our anxieties. When we focus on spending time alone, we learn that there is a special message, talent and destination designed for you and you alone. But how can one know of this if one never spent time inside that box, or more so inside their body.
For today ladies, please try anyone of these breathing techniques even if it’s just maintaining good posture. Breathe life into your Hope’s, dreams and passions because truly, I believe you have the ability to live the life that’s meant for you. Thank you staying tuned in to this page and I hope that you will try to incorporate some of these techniques into your life. Please would you kindly pass on my blog information and allow your friends to join in on this knowledge. Having mentioned Amalia earlier in this post, I would like to make you mindful of the fact that she does offer guided breath work meditations, which have truly helped me with grounding and finding peace. For any information regarding Amalia and the lovely work she does, please find her information in the yoga tab above.
Cant wait for next week as we start searching through the core of our anxiety issues and how to break the cycle. Light and love Charndré♡
Why should I share my story? Playing with this idea has been a life long struggle, for there has always been a slight apprehension about putting so much of myself out there. But only by giving, and becoming apart of the whole – do we really discover who we are as an individual. Hi, my name is Charndré. 27.
I cannot properly tell you when 1st I met anxiety. As a kid those lines are blurred beyond belief, as it was ridiculous to think that a child/Teen could suffer from a mental illness. In school I often mistook a racing heart for freedom. Worry is usually brushed off as a “nothing too serious”. Chest pains, week long headaches and panic on Sunday evenings was a constant plague. However I continued as if I was not being plagued by something that would soon consume me.
Your morning begins the same as any other: 6am, the alarm rings, you turn over and hit the snooze button. Your heart begins its race. You breathe deeply in the hope it settles the uneasiness that is slowing building. You brush your teeth, shower and have breakfast (in no particular order) and yet something still feels out of place. Then those thoughts start flooding in: “Did I forget to complete all the work necessary?” “Do I have to see the doctor about this headache?” “Why is my chest paining?” A whirl wind hits your mental state and one thought becomes five; five thoughts becomes ten and soon you cant think of anything else. Your heart races, your chest burns; some how try with all your might to breathe. It hurts to do the most humanly thing possible and soon you begin to question if you will survive, or if your heart will hold on just long enough for you to clear your mental space. You hope for 1 minute that a breath could save your life… But It doesnt. You have a panic attack. And if you ask me, a panic attack is the absolute worst way to start your day. Defeated and depleted and you havent even made it to lunch.
# ProTip1: drink tons of water if you have just experienced a panic attack or feel as though you may
# Protip2: on the onset on a panic attack I usually sit down for a meditation. I cannot bring myself to meditate by myself when I am in this state so I opt for a guided meditation at this time, where the mediation focus is on calming, soothing or energy clearing. I’ve also found that jazz music, classical music and Tibetan singing bowls works well too.
With the rise of Covid-19 outbreak many more people are confessing to feeling some form of server anxiety. Its understandable. That’s why I decided that over the course of the next few weeks I will be discussing 4 aspects of anxiety that I had to deal with in order to calm my panic attacks that many people find themselves coming close to today: 1. Control 2. Deep breathing 3. Understanding the core of your problem 4. A daily challenge to overcome. Please bare in mind that these 4 aspects are what I faced in my personal journey and have not been medically tested. Its purely based on what has helped me.
Before I begin, I have to say thank you to Niyaaz for shining light and a New perspective on the topic for today: Control vs Anxiety.
What is control? Is it possible that we can control everything? Simply put – No. (This is coming from a place of love, so please hear me out…) SWEETIE YOU CANNOT CONTROL EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME . Its impossible. But women hey, we love to think we are in control 100% of time. Spreadsheets – I did that! Meetings with the CEO – I nailed that! Running my own company- winning! Social life? Hell yeah! But then it sinks in, what have I forgotten to do? aaaaaahhhh! And then that feeling of losing control takes over.
Contrary to popular belief, you are infact not out of control or unable to control things in your life, now more than ever you are in control. In life there are really only two things we can truly control: Ourselves and the way we allow ourselves to react. Nothing more, nothing less. So yes, Covid-19 is a real worry because it is REAL threat. You cannot see the bacteria, you have no possible evidence that will say “Yes you have been in contact with it” or “Nope your still safe” and if you haven’t been tested you end up with a brain full of speculations and anxiety in your soul. Is there any way you can change that external possible situation? If there isnt, then focus on how you can change your internal situation.
Step one of overcoming control based anxiety – and one of the most helpful tricks that Ive learned to do in order to help stop anxious thoughts is justification.
You’re always going to feel that flood of thoughts as an anxious person but replace the fear with justification and faith. “OH NO! I Might have come into contact with someone who is carrying the Covid-19 virus” Then simply justify: “Was I wearing a face mask?” “Did I wash and change when I came home?” “Have I been washing my hands regularly?” You see, your anxious feelings and thoughts should not be the “Be all and end all” thoughts and feelings for that day. As soon as the onset of anxiety hits you, hit back harder. Yes you may contract the virus, it is a real life possibilty, but it wont be today because for today you took all the precautions necessary. You may even lose your job as It’s a real reality too right now, but you have the choice to focus on the negatives or choose to focus on how you can move forward from that. During my most anxious days, I would write down a few justifications for things that caused me anxiety and 1 love note to myself. When those anxious thoughts played up, I would read through the notes which I wrote down.
Personally im beginning to see control as an illusion of sorts. We cannot control other people (although for years we have tried), we cannot control our jobs (as that can collapse tomorrow), we cannot control our financial flow but we can choose from this point to control how we react to it. Each event, situation or circumstance which you are placed into is divinely driven. Whether your earning millions or earning nothing it is devinely driven, and nor you or any other human being will be able to change that course.
“Maktub” is one of favourite Arabic quotes. It means “It is written” – Paulo Coelho the alchemist.
Therefore if we buy into this concept that our whole life is written, we have to accept whatever outcomes may arise are too written years before we have arrived to that place. Each obstacle, is not there to break us (as our ego might tell us) but it is there to build us, to grow us and to mold us into better people, who are more prepared for the next challenge. Anxiety is often viewed as a bad trait: Mental disorder is what the doctors refer to it as, but honestly, I have learned more from anxiety than any other teacher or Guru to date. Therefore, If you keep leaning into the desire to control everything, you remove the opportunity of trust and faith. You fill your mind with situations that most likely wont occur and then you force yourself to feel anxious because something in you tells you that you are out of control. Imagine!
I always picture God sitting and watching us humans, making ourselves frantic in an attempt to control things. It must be a good laugh for Him because in essence we dont have control. Something that could be so humbly given to us, can be harshly taken away from us. Hence the best thing we can do as human beings is stop trying to control the process. Let go and only focus on how you can control you. One of my favourite Pastors to listen to is Joel Osteen and he hit the sweet spot one day when he said these words: “When we worry and try and control everything, God sits back and relaxes. When we give control to God, the universe and possibility, then we have time to relax.” So my question is, do you enjoy your body feeling in a state of Frenzy or would you like to Relax? If so… relinquish control. Hand it over to God, the universe and the flow of life.
Replace control with trust. Trust that life will follow it’s due course; like a ferris wheel – sometimes your up, sometimes your down but you always keep moving in Faith. Please know that I’ve used examples today but you can always try these tricks in your life with regards to the thoughts that are causing you anxiety.
For today: I encourage you to focus on you, what are those triggers but also what makes you really happy, then Write down 3 things that came into your life without you controlling it and 1 positive love note to yourself. On the onset of those anxious thoughts begin reading your gratitude/love note and remember without that control, something amazing did happen to you and will happen to you again.
Feel free to comment topics or questions which you would like me to talk about and I will add it to my list. I’ve also added information about online yoga in the drop down tab above. Please dont forget to recommend my blog page as my end goal would be form a community of love and hope for women of all backgrounds to come together. Alone cannot do that, even if we forward this link to two other people, we would have crossed the bridge.
Light and love ATTRAVERSIAMO – let’s cross over Charndré♡
It can be quoted that: “A journey of a thousand miles, begins with the first step” Consider this my first step.
I am not a Sage, Guru or Monk of sorts (Yet..) I have no degree in psychology or physiology. I am me. The only tools I have are the ones I’ve gained in this young life of mine. So please, begin with an open mind, as you take a step into the inner workings of me. Take time, explore my body, find love in the places I’ve hidden it, find kindness lodged between the arteries and know, no matter what I will try to atriculate my story and all the teachers and teachings which have helped me grow, as best as I can. All that I ask is that you recieve it with an open mind.
As I scrolled through my instagram, majority of the teachers and pages which I follow is male driven and immediately red flags hit me like edibles – 3 hours too late. Regardless, I want to begin this page on the footing that us as women cannot keep on recieving advice from men alone. Men who gave not dealt with the emotional outlets of hormone imbalances. Men who have not bared children and watched them grow. Men who have not walked a mile in their own feminine body. Sometimes women need other women. Therefore let’s replace the notions set forward to us by men. Let’s find healing in our feminine. Let the soothing energy of the moon be our guide as we walk this path of healing.
Please join me as we unpack Anxiety and how to find peace within chaos, depression, mediation and all the steps I took to find peace and be happy with my life as it is and whom I am. No two days are the same and we have to endure both the sunshine and the rain, therefore (as a disclaimer) it is imperative we talk about the rainy days as well.
No. This blog is not exclusively for women. Its exclusively for those who want to embody both yin and yang and find balance I hope you find the answers you so desperately seek here. I hope you find love.